Dear Brian,
My mom says there is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy. If so, then why, when I was younger, did I find money under my pillow after I’d put my baby teeth there the night before?
-Deanna Allos

Dear Deanna,
There are two scenarios to consider in answering this question (the possibility that your pillow can spontaneously generate cash will be disregarded for all rationality’s sake). First, if you attribute the money to the Tooth Fairy’s doing her job, your mother would be blatantly lying. In the other case, if there is proof that your mother placed the money under your pillow whenever you lost a tooth, your mother would simply be perpetuating the Tooth Fairy “myth” despite her assertion that the Tooth Fairy does not exist. So in essence, your mother is lying to you (just not as blatantly) here too. Already, we have here, a potentially frightening situation on our hands. If our own mothers lie to us so willingly, one cannot help but ask, “where and when have I been deceived?” Nobody likes being kept out of the loop and thus we are all raised to believe that lying=bad! So by this logic, our mothers are…bad. This conclusion however, still doesn’t answer where the money came from. My guess would be that your mother is the tooth fairy…

Dear Brian,
How might things be different if everyone walked around naked and ate from the tree of knowledge?
-Ellis Hamburger

Dear Ellis,
Your wording implies the possibility that things would only be different given the circumstances you described, but let me be the first to tell you that things would not as interesting as you might hope. Period. While it might be tempting to cite nudity as the root of a slew of problems, it really just means you have to grow up. Seriously, we’ve all had health class right? As a matter of fact, this might prove beneficial. One immediate ramification would be a significant decrease in dress code detentions. Although we would all have to be more careful about going out in the sun or the cold. On the other hand, it would really be nice if everyone indulged in what the tree of knowledge has to offer. Not only would the fruits offer many health benefits over your 470 calorie Starbucks Caffé Vanilla Frappuccino® Blend with whipped cream, but it would also help some people “get with the program”. The added perks of eating these so-called “apples of knowledge” would make those “hey, someone wrote gullible on the ceiling” jokes obsolete. In fact, I think this would be so beneficial, we should replace Color Day with Tree of Knowledge day. Not only would I not get any dress code detentions anymore, I’d never fail any tests I happen to have on Thursday. Especially anatomy.

Dear Brian,

What are the steps to attaining nirvana?

May the sun always shine on your garden.

Sam Bayoff

Dear Sam,
That’s a question I’ve often asked myself, as nirvana was certainly at the top of my Christmas wish list. Unfortunately for me, nirvana isn’t something easily purchased in the Black Friday Bargain Bin (unless you’re referring to the In Utero album I picked up at FYE for $7.99), nor does my behavior merit any kind of present from Santa Claus. So to answer your question, I embarked on a long dangerous journey to Google which brought me to Buddhism for Dummies. According to the experts at Dummies.com, there are four stages on the path to realizing nirvana. That’s more steps than it takes for me to make my cereal in the morning. With all the obligations I have for school, I don’t even know the steps to attaining nap time outside of class. From what I’d heard, senior year should equate roughly to nirvana, but the Big Bad Wolf that is my French test tomorrow blew that house down quite easily. I have decided that it’s probably better that I can’t call myself the proud owner of a nirvana membership card; after all, that’d be like me doing all my homework now so I wouldn’t have any for the rest of the year. That’s just outrageous.

Dear Brian,

I need some help, is Pluto a planet or not? I know this is a topic better asked a few months ago but I am still very confused and I can’t sleep at night.

Chris Kneale

Dear Chris,

As a kid, I took comfort in knowing that the nine planets would always make a clever mnemonic: My very elegant mother just served us nine pizzas. However, I hate to break it to you but Pluto is no longer a member of the planetary family. What does this mean for all of us? It means my elegant mother is serving us nachos from now on instead.

Amongst other (more exciting) things. I got accepted into Cornell University today! Now all I have left is to not mess up what I’ve done thus far in senior year. I hope everyone’s college applications are going smoothly. I’m defiantly looking forward to the second semester.

What colleges are y’all going to? And is anyone up for snowboarding (if it ever snows) over break?