More questions, less answers!

My column from the most recent issue of The Day Times (Feb. 15, 2007)

Dear Brian,
My mom says there is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy. If so, then why, when I was younger, did I find money under my pillow after I’d put my baby teeth there the night before?
-Deanna Allos

Dear Deanna,
There are two scenarios to consider in answering this question (the possibility that your pillow can spontaneously generate cash will be disregarded for all rationality’s sake). First, if you attribute the money to the Tooth Fairy’s doing her job, your mother would be blatantly lying. In the other case, if there is proof that your mother placed the money under your pillow whenever you lost a tooth, your mother would simply be perpetuating the Tooth Fairy “myth” despite her assertion that the Tooth Fairy does not exist. So in essence, your mother is lying to you (just not as blatantly) here too. Already, we have here, a potentially frightening situation on our hands. If our own mothers lie to us so willingly, one cannot help but ask, “where and when have I been deceived?” Nobody likes being kept out of the loop and thus we are all raised to believe that lying=bad! So by this logic, our mothers are…bad. This conclusion however, still doesn’t answer where the money came from. My guess would be that your mother is the tooth fairy…

Dear Brian,
How might things be different if everyone walked around naked and ate from the tree of knowledge?
-Ellis Hamburger

Dear Ellis,
Your wording implies the possibility that things would only be different given the circumstances you described, but let me be the first to tell you that things would not as interesting as you might hope. Period. While it might be tempting to cite nudity as the root of a slew of problems, it really just means you have to grow up. Seriously, we’ve all had health class right? As a matter of fact, this might prove beneficial. One immediate ramification would be a significant decrease in dress code detentions. Although we would all have to be more careful about going out in the sun or the cold. On the other hand, it would really be nice if everyone indulged in what the tree of knowledge has to offer. Not only would the fruits offer many health benefits over your 470 calorie Starbucks Caffé Vanilla Frappuccino® Blend with whipped cream, but it would also help some people “get with the program”. The added perks of eating these so-called “apples of knowledge” would make those “hey, someone wrote gullible on the ceiling” jokes obsolete. In fact, I think this would be so beneficial, we should replace Color Day with Tree of Knowledge day. Not only would I not get any dress code detentions anymore, I’d never fail any tests I happen to have on Thursday. Especially anatomy.