Monthly Archive for December, 2006

December 14th sure got here quickly. Just one more day (most of which I will be spending at court settling some traffic shenanigans) before winter break. It’s truly hard to believe how fast this year has flown by. But anyways I thought I’d post my latest column for The Day Times:

Dear Brian,

What are the steps to attaining nirvana?

May the sun always shine on your garden.

Sam Bayoff

Dear Sam,
That’s a question I’ve often asked myself, as nirvana was certainly at the top of my Christmas wish list. Unfortunately for me, nirvana isn’t something easily purchased in the Black Friday Bargain Bin (unless you’re referring to the In Utero album I picked up at FYE for $7.99), nor does my behavior merit any kind of present from Santa Claus. So to answer your question, I embarked on a long dangerous journey to Google which brought me to Buddhism for Dummies. According to the experts at Dummies.com, there are four stages on the path to realizing nirvana. That’s more steps than it takes for me to make my cereal in the morning. With all the obligations I have for school, I don’t even know the steps to attaining nap time outside of class. From what I’d heard, senior year should equate roughly to nirvana, but the Big Bad Wolf that is my French test tomorrow blew that house down quite easily. I have decided that it’s probably better that I can’t call myself the proud owner of a nirvana membership card; after all, that’d be like me doing all my homework now so I wouldn’t have any for the rest of the year. That’s just outrageous.

Dear Brian,

I need some help, is Pluto a planet or not? I know this is a topic better asked a few months ago but I am still very confused and I can’t sleep at night.

Chris Kneale

Dear Chris,

As a kid, I took comfort in knowing that the nine planets would always make a clever mnemonic: My very elegant mother just served us nine pizzas. However, I hate to break it to you but Pluto is no longer a member of the planetary family. What does this mean for all of us? It means my elegant mother is serving us nachos from now on instead.

Amongst other (more exciting) things. I got accepted into Cornell University today! Now all I have left is to not mess up what I’ve done thus far in senior year. I hope everyone’s college applications are going smoothly. I’m defiantly looking forward to the second semester.

What colleges are y’all going to? And is anyone up for snowboarding (if it ever snows) over break?