The Pedo-Files: Putting awkward turtle out of business

The following AIM conversation is one of the most disturbing and crude exploitations of the anonymity the internet allows. The “Awkward Guy” is someone most of you know while “The Girl” doesn’t actually exist (it’s not me either). All names have been removed for privacy’s sake. And so begins Pedo-Files chapter 1:

The Girl: hey
The Girl: is this [name deleted]?
Akward Guy: ya
Akward Guy: who is this?
The Girl: katie
The Girl: sup?
Akward Guy: [name deleted]?
The Girl: no i go to seaholm but someone told me about you
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: like who?
The Girl: they told me not to tell
The Girl:
Akward Guy: hmmm
Awkward Guy: ok
Awkward Guy: so wats up?
The Girl: oh notin’ much just chillin
The Girl: how ’bout u
Akward Guy: nm
Akward Guy: just playing sum bond
The Girl: oh… cool? u going out like tonight or tomorrow night?
The Girl: hello?
Akward Guy: ya
Akward Guy: oo
Akward Guy: thats cool
Akward Guy: now i know 4 katies
Akward Guy: lol
The Girl: lol
Akward Guy: hahaha
The Girl: but i’m the hottest katie… lol got 2 huge u know
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: really?
Akward Guy: sweettt8-)
The Girl: lol
The Girl: ya
The Girl: u see any new movis?
Akward Guy: no
Akward Guy: have u?
The Girl: ya… saw the butterfly effect and that movie on dvd school of rock with ma babes
The Girl: man that sux… do u get out much??
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: not really
The Girl: is dcd hard?
The Girl: i want to go there next year
Akward Guy: really?
Akward Guy: u want to go?
Akward Guy: its fine i guess
The Girl: u get good grades at dcd?
Akward Guy: i have a 3.7
Akward Guy: i mean 3.8
Akward Guy: i cant wait to meet u
The Girl: lol… ya i might be visiting
The Girl: who ya friends with?
Akward Guy: [name deleted]
Akward Guy: [name deleted]
Akward Guy: bunch of other people
The Girl: i dont know them but u friends with any guys?
Akward Guy: ya
Akward Guy: [name deleted]
Akward Guy: [name deleted]
Akward Guy: [name deleted]
Akward Guy: [name deleted]
The Girl: oh i know [name deleted]
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: how do u know them?
The Girl: sounds like ur friends with a lot of asian nerds… lol… srry
Akward Guy: hehehe
Akward Guy: [name deleted] isn’t a nerd
Akward Guy: he is so white washed
Akward Guy: so how do u know them?
The Girl: i just know them by name
Akward Guy: ahh
Akward Guy: ic
Akward Guy: do u know [name deleted]?
The Girl: no
The Girl: r u chinese?
Akward Guy: no
Akward Guy: korean
The Girl: oh
Akward Guy: ya
Akward Guy: r u americanese?
The Girl: lol… yea
The Girl: u play sports at dcd?
The Girl: like football?
The Girl: my old boyfriend played that but i ditched him b/c he was an ass
Akward Guy: ya i play
Akward Guy: oo
Akward Guy: i never had a girl b4
The Girl: wut about tennis and basketball?
The Girl: what position u play in football?
Akward Guy: i don;t play football
Akward Guy: i play bball and track
The Girl: o i thought u said u did
Akward Guy: no
Akward Guy: sry
Akward Guy: do u like football players
The Girl: some
Akward Guy: if i did play i would be wide reciever
Akward Guy: no doubt
The Girl: i play soccer and tennis
The Girl: varsity soccer
Akward Guy: ooo
Akward Guy: nice
The Girl: ya..
Akward Guy: so u r a super hot babe thats good at school and sports?
The Girl: well…. school i dunno if u say excellent
The Girl: lol… i’m getting like 2 or 3 c’s
Akward Guy: o
The Girl: dont care much in my frosh year
Akward Guy: y?
The Girl: colleges i heard dont look at that
Akward Guy: thats what they ALL say
Akward Guy: unless ur going to OCC they do look
The Girl: only nerds care about frosh year
The Girl: and u of m doesnt look
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: i am NOT a nerd
Akward Guy: not even close
Akward Guy: i was just saying
The Girl: srry
Akward Guy: 2 or 3 C’s don’t look good
Akward Guy: B’s are good
The Girl: ya i know my parents want me to at least get low b’s
The Girl: they say b’s are really good
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: no offense but where did u parents go to college?
The Girl: my dad went to u of m and my mom went to ohio state
The Girl: my dads alum. and he donates to the school so my parents say that its good enough to get a b
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: ic
Akward Guy: well then get a B
Akward Guy: and thats cool
Akward Guy: wut classes are u taking?
The Girl: ya b’s are cool
Akward Guy: yup
The Girl: only nerds get straight as
Akward Guy: hence
Akward Guy: i am not a nerd
Akward Guy: and that is not tru
Akward Guy: but ne way
The Girl: i take algebra 1, a boring ass health class, fucking hard bio, and japaneses
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: tell me u get a A in algerbra 1
Akward Guy: no offense or ne thing
The Girl: no i’m getting a b… dude and i’m being really pateint because i hate talking bout school and now ur just being an ass… i’m getting the impression u think i’m a dumbass
Akward Guy: sry
Akward Guy: sry
Akward Guy: sry
Akward Guy: sry
Akward Guy: sry
Akward Guy: usually i am really nice around girls
Akward Guy: trust me ask ne one of my girl friends
The Girl: its aight dude just i mean school is done and its a friday night
Akward Guy: ya
Akward Guy: tell me about it
The Girl: do u ever play with urself?
Akward Guy: define “play”
The Girl: now dont get nerdy on me using fancy words but i mean like jack off
Akward Guy: i dont know ne fancy words
Akward Guy: and no
Akward Guy: do you?
Akward Guy: i only jack off when i see a girl like u
The Girl: man u’ve never jacked off?
Akward Guy: should have i?
Akward Guy: do u rub ur pussy?
The Girl: ya i do it any day and everyday
The Girl: all the girls do it and i bet 1/2 the girls u no do it
Akward Guy: hmm
The Girl: but u prob. dont suspect them
Akward Guy: i bet 1/2 of the girls i know has had sex
Akward Guy: and i know for a fact that 2 girls have had sex b4
The Girl: who?
Akward Guy: u don;t know them
The Girl: maybe i know them
The Girl: just tell me
Akward Guy: [name deleted] and [name deleted]
The Girl: i know [name deleted]
The Girl: but shes kind of ugly
The Girl: dont tell her that
Akward Guy: from PCCS?
Akward Guy: in plymouth??
Akward Guy: whoa
Akward Guy: u got lots of connections my friend
The Girl: no she goes to ann arbor public schools
Akward Guy: o
Akward Guy: ok u don;t know the same [name deleted]
Akward Guy: i think
The Girl: dude [name deleted]…ur a nice kid and all but u r really lonely from every1…do ur parents ever let u do nething fun?? i mean u dont even jackoff..i guarnteee u that all those nerd people that u named jack off..i promise u..or at least MOST of them
Akward Guy: sigh
Akward Guy: ok u have earned the truth
Akward Guy: i jack off almost every other day
Akward Guy: i watch movies alot on my computer
Akward Guy: i am playing 007 rite now
Akward Guy: but i still have a 3.8
The Girl: STOP..IF U DONT ADMIT U DONT JACK OFF EVERYDAY I’LL BLOCK..i thought u were cool..but as my last bf was an ass u r starting to be a lying ass now…u were cool b4..if u really did jack offf u would’ve admitted it when i admitted that i masturbated
Akward Guy: sigh
Akward Guy: i do jack off
Akward Guy: ok?
Akward Guy: i am not a ass bte
Akward Guy: btw*
Akward Guy: hello?
The Girl: srry… my babes keep talking
Akward Guy: babes?
Akward Guy: like ur girl friends?
The Girl: anyway… uve suddenly turned from a nice innocent smart kid..to a kid who is popular and nos everything cool
Akward Guy: popular?
The Girl: thats why i liked talking to u because all the other guys were the same
Akward Guy: who said ne thing about that?
The Girl: ya my babes… like ma gfs
Awkward Guy: btw i usually talk about random stuff that makes girls laugh
Awkward Guy: ask ne of my girl friends
Awkward Guy: i can give u their sn’s if u want
The Girl: ok… what r they
Awkward Guy: ok
Awkward Guy: [name deleted] is
Awkward Guy: [screen name deleted]
Awkward Guy: [screen name deleted]
Awkward Guy: thats [name deleted]
The Girl: wtf?
Awkward Guy: what?
The Girl: weird sn
Awkward Guy: i know
Awkward Guy: thats wut i thought too
The Girl: im gonna go 2 b-ham now… all my friends are calling… be bak round 2
Awkward Guy: um
Awkward Guy: ok
Awkward Guy: cya later
Awkward Guy: nice talking too you
The Girl: like a whole bunch of us its going to be sweet
Awkward Guy: well i am not ur friend so i can’t go
The Girl: my old bf is gonna be there
Awkward Guy: o
Awkward Guy: u want me too come along?
The Girl: have u ever been to b-ham?
Awkward Guy: yes i have
The Girl: aight u wanna go?
Awkward Guy: can’t
Awkward Guy: parents aren’t
Awkward Guy: home, and i can’t drive yet either
The Girl: ask like one of ur friends that can drive 2 take u
Awkward Guy: none of my friends live near
Awkward Guy: me
Awkward Guy: and they can’t drive either
Awkward Guy: they are all freshman
Awkward Guy: i dont know ne upperclassmen
Awkward Guy: i want to go
Awkward Guy: but…
The Girl: u mean u dont know any upperclassmen?
The Girl: wow man thats sad
Awkward Guy: not well enough for them to take me along
Awkward Guy: and they live to far away
Awkward Guy: they all live in Bham
The Girl: who ya know?
Awkward Guy: i live in northville
Awkward Guy: i know [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: um
Awkward Guy: [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: um
Awkward Guy: [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: um
Awkward Guy: [name deleted]
The Girl: i know [name deleted] but [name deleted] is a nerd
Awkward Guy: ya
Awkward Guy: i know
Awkward Guy: lets see
Awkward Guy: i know [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: i know
Awkward Guy: [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: i know [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: and [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: and [name deleted]
Awkward Guy: [name deleted]
The Girl: harry who?
Awkward Guy: [name deleted]
The Girl: man i know lots those ppl xcept those nerds
The Girl: man i’ll ask them ’bout u
Awkward Guy: those nerds huh?
Awkward Guy: ok
The Girl: no not the nerds dude
Awkward Guy: ok
Awkward Guy: ok
The Girl: i dont even know the losers
Awkward Guy: thats cool i understand
Awkward Guy: sigh
Awkward Guy: hey look, just bc i dont have the friends you have don’t mean i am a nerd
Awkward Guy: and my friends aren’t losers either
Awkward Guy: otherwise they aren’t my friends
The Girl: ok… im srry
The Girl: i kinda like u
Awkward Guy: i kind of like u too
Awkward Guy: ur a interesting person
Awkward Guy: i have never met a girl with ur personality
The Girl: thx
Awkward Guy: ur welcome
The Girl: fuck that my old old bf just called and we’ve kind a getting bak
Awkward Guy: o
Awkward Guy: well u don;t have to like me
The Girl: so hes comin over to get some pleasure if u know what i mean
Awkward Guy: i bet that bf of urs is better than me
Awkward Guy: o
Awkward Guy: ya i know
The Girl: well.. i kind of like u too and now i get to talk to u some more
Awkward Guy: i had sum pleasure with sum of mu girls
Awkward Guy: o
Awkward Guy: you really do like me a bit?
The Girl: u do that stuff? innocent [name deleted]?
The Girl: what kind of pleasure
Awkward Guy: have to go into the bedroom stuff
Awkward Guy: we hug
Awkward Guy: kiss
Awkward Guy: touch
Awkward Guy: so forth
The Girl: thats cool
Awkward Guy: ya
The Girl: at least ur experienced
Awkward Guy: of course
The Girl: aight man my bfs here and i gotta go share my mouth hes started jiggling the two
The Girl: i’ll bbl afta im done
Awkward Guy: ok
The Girl: bye sexy
Awkward Guy: rub ur tits for me will ya?
Awkward Guy: cya

For those of you who actually read that whole thing, you’ll probably be able to guess who it is. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Tune in next time for parts two and three.