The world according to me

Apparently a lot of people thought I was on newspaper. While I am now a columnist, I’ve always been a yearbook editor. At any rate, I thought I’d post my column up here out because I lack the creativity to post anything else. My column is basically a Q and A/advice column desperately in need of a good title. The first issue is as follows.

Dear Brian,

I am looking for my perfect soul mate. How do I clone myself?

XOXO,
Nate “Ripped Abs” Wilkie

Dear Nate,

I’m glad you asked. I’ve just recently filled patents and put finishing touches on my “Cloneinator 7000” so feel free to use it whenever you want to. Initial testing indicates everything worked like perfectly considering I personally haven’t been to school at all this past week. I bet you haven’t realized that when you see me at school it’s really just my unfortunate other-self. Screwing with peoples’ minds has been especially entertaining but to be honest, it’s getting old fast, especially when he tries to take over my room, and when he accepted my birthday gifts for himself. Having to put up with my own shenanigans is roughly comparable to stepping out of your car unknowingly in to someone’s unwanted McDonald’s and having your new pants stained and smell like fat. Living with me has had its benefits but I can hardly handle myself, much less another one of me. If dating yourself is your thing, the Cloneinator 7000 can make it happen. In the mean time I think I’ll save myself and everyone else from the wrath of my other-self and begin working on my “De-Cloneinator”

Dear Brian,

What is the meaning of life?

-Subha Perni

Dear Subha,

As with most questions of such magnitude, I like to reference the all-mighty Wikipedia. However, I was quite disappointed when it supplied me only with a handful of quotations and a long list of popular beliefs and other explanations beyond my reading level. Most fundamentally, life can be defined as the animate existence of an individual or organism. In more applicable terms, Life is a colorful board game from the ’60′s manufactured by Hasbro famous for its ridiculously small pegs as representations of people which were stuck in a tiny plastic game piece minivan. In this instance, the Life doesn’t have a “meaning” per se but a “goal” in which all the players attempt to reach…the end of the board. This ending is analogous to retirement thus suggesting that one can be a “winner” at Life by spinning high numbers on the game board’s patented wheel of fortune style spinner and drawing the right combination of job cards. In a nutshell, you speed through Life, and try to retire with the most money. What now? If you were so unfortunate as to lose, you could shuffle the cards better and try again. As for me, my college applications are due tomorrow I’m going to go figure out what college to go to because my Life Event Card doesn’t tell me.

I hope you enjoyed it. Since this is my first one, I’d really appreciate some feedback.  Also, if you have an burning questions that you’re just dying to know the answer to, leave ‘em in the comments or drop me a line or yell at me or something. However you do it, just make sure you let me know. Also I really need title suggestions. Please.