Zero Tolerance

In light of the upcoming national holiday, allow me to take a brief moment and remind us all about the diversity of people here in our great nation. The United States of America was founded by a group of brilliant young men, the Constitution they drafted over two centuries ago has withstood the test of time. However, one cannot truly appreciate the brilliance of our nation’s founding fathers when I find things such as this email I received a little while back. What began as a simple spam message in my inbox, ended up being one of the most hilariously stupid email I’ve seen to date. Stupid, not in the sense of useless chain letters that’ve been forwarded to everyone on the internet 17 times, but stupid in the way that only an obnoxious ignorant middle-school-er and everything their impulsive act-first, don’t bother thinking mentality can bring about. Now the spam message I received, also happened to be sent to several other people on the school network and read as follows:

Subject: going out with you

Dear friend,
I found your picture on one of the websites, can we talk bto
each obther? I might be coming to your place in few weeks.
This would be a great opportunity to meet each other.
Btw, I am a wobman. I am 25. Drop me a line at vebhs@freemailserv.com

While, anyone with good judgement would promptly dismiss this message as spam and delete it, I was surprised to receive a response to this message from one of the other recipients. I don’t know whether this person clicked reply to all intentionally…

Look, whoever you are, you need to understand that DCDS has a Zero Tolerance Policy for Lesbian Emails directed at Minors. In fact, it is against the law in the United States to direct such disturbing emails at such young kids for sexual reasons, pressure, or unsupervised meetings- You can be put in jail for that. I am not sure if you are aware that this email was also sent to a teacher, Mrs. Buckley. (She is an extremely influential and highly acclaimed Math and Model UN teacher in the DCDS Community, and I really pity the fact that she had to read such a horrendous email!) I would greatly appreciate if you could take me off your Spam List, and direct your Lesbian Emails towards the Gay Community. I am not interested in such a relationship, as I am completely straight. (Meaning I like Boys.) Also, If I get any more emails like this, I am going to press charges and Sapina the records. I have a very good attorney, and I am not afraid to sue. Please discontinue this rambunctious behavior. Thank you for understanding.

Regards,
[name deleted]

Anyone from DCDS with a Facebook account might recognize this person (hint: initials are M.K.). Seriously folks, with shenanigans like this, the mighty USA is destined to fall and crumple. As Smokey the bear says, “Only you can prevent forest fires!” In this case, forest fires are our nation drowning in its on stupidity. However cliché it might be, the old adage “look before you leap” applies to all aspects of our lives from Frogger, to such mundane routine tasks as checking our email.

So this July 4th, just take a moment to think about how you will honor our glorious nation. If that means blowing your hand off with your illegally purchased fireworks…so be it.

That’s it for now. Have a lovely holiday.
Love, (no homo)
your friend B. Tan